The stifling of Modernity.

Here’s a life tip for you. If someone contacts you via EMAIL, that should be taken as a hint about how they’d like to communicate with you. If someone contacts you via PHONE, this too can be taken as a hint too! If someone contacts you via US MAIL, this is also a hint!

This gross tolerance of cross-platform communication is ignorant and only serves to infuriate people who have to deal with you! If it’s a service they would like to partake in on a paying basis, then you should be willing to bend a bit. Especially if you tout email, webchat, phone, or us mail as a method of contact.

This tendency to bait with one medium and switch to another could be termed and Bait & Switch or B&S but since the ampersand is allllll the way up at the number 7 key, I’m just gonna omit that little character and call it BS.

Seriously, this is relatively deep into the 21 century, 2017, well more than 1/8th (11/64th is actually closest by my math) into the 21st century. Your “representative” needling me for my phone number…kinda feels like I’m stuck in 1917. If I purchase your product, will it be delivered by Pony Express? Or a good ol’ steam train? Or perhaps Mark Twain will bring it on a paddlewheel steamer?

People, this is 2017. Phone calls, they’re handy when you’re too drunk to type but still want booty, or when you need immediate emergency services. That’s a time-sensitive need. Talking to me about a service, it’s not really that time sensitive unless it’s diarrhea medicine. A phone number request, it’s implying you want me to make myself available on your terms…this is not appealing as a business trait.

I do see the validity of phones for phone calls, but let’s be honest; the one thing that made phones tolerable was caller ID. The ability to know if the person who is bugging you is worth the time they’re asking you to waste on them.

Damn near every business I can think of has a computer with internet capability these days. Let’s stop relying on person to person calls as reasonable formats of communication. Yes, I probably value you quite highly, but…the beauty of email is that it allows me to get my fecal matter concentrated in a neat pile before responding so YOU don’t have to endure the dead airspace of me attempting to concentrate those piles neatly in real time. If you force me to do a P2P call, guess what cowhand, you just lost the right to ever get mad at me if my fecal matter is in its pre-concentrated format and don’t you freakin’ **DARE** put me on hold. If I have to scramble to get all my shit in neat and orderly piles for your precious call, guess what buddy, you’re on a shot clock.

If you’re going to say on your site that you will work with certain forms of communication, then dammit work with them! If it’s all going to be funneled to your cubicle farm in some third world country, say so up front so I know to just call and pretend I’m all keyed up and excited about the newfangled ray-dee-ohh they done went and installed in the house fer us, little box lets us listen to the sawed off midgets that lives inside it, an’ that Orson Welles, what a little scamp!

People, it’s just a cosmic blink from being 2018. I can send a picture of my fancy parts to outer space and have ’em come down in the hand held device of the lady of my preference. Are we seriously going to rely on a dial-tone system? We don’t even use that for internet anymore! You’re in the modern era but you act like you’re stuck in pre-dialup. If you bought new, you probably drive a **Car** that can send an email or text…why can’t you?

Get it together folks. Booty calls or your house is on fire, anything but those two, let’s climb aboard the bullet train and join the modern era of indoor plumbing, please. I totally get it for visual impairment and all that…but just to start off right from the first minute dictating how I’m going to interact with you…not flattering at all, nor is it endearing.

For the record, I’m getting as damn private about my phone number as I am with my social security number. Why? Because there are still assclowns out there who will call, and call, and call, and call, until all I wanna do is pick up a barbecue fork, heat it red hot over hickory coals, and cram it in my ear so I can’t hear them calling, or hear myself telling them that I don’t want their home security system. On that front, I don’t NEED a home security system. I’m flatass broke all the time, haven’t bought anything worth buying in years, and if anybody broke in here, I’d just shoot ’em with the last thing I did buy! I’m so broke that if anybody broke in here and didn’t immediately say “dude, it’ll be okay, we’ll find a way to get you some better stuff”…I wouldn’t feel bad about putting a hollowpoint in them because they are truly heartless. I don’t even spring for name brand light bulbs.

Once a company gets your number, it never freakin’ ends. I strongly suspect there is a cottage industry just in selling and trading lists of dumbasses like me who are stupid enough to give out their phone number when it becomes plainly obvious that no other form of modern communication is acceptable.

The good news? I have to give my number out, but I know every single company that has it. If, after adding a new company to that list, I discover I’m inundated with calls of an irrelevant nature…payback is a glitch. BTW, don’t tell me about the no-call list. Oddly, I find when I added my cell to that list, I got **more** calls rather than less.

Here’s an idea, just occurred to me. If you only want prospective customers to use the phone, don’t offer anything but the number. I know I’m gonna end up sitting on hold for a freakin’ hour anyways, so why tease me with purported flexibility you know damn well you won’t offer? Just be honest: We still heat the storefront with cow dung off the prairie, we still go down to the mercantile to put our Liberty Head Nicks in the Kinetoscope every Saturday afternoon, perhaps have us a sarsaparilla ‘fore the long ride home in the buggy.

Which, I wonder, is worse? To admit one is a phony who only uses the promise of modern convenience as a hook, or to admit that the zipper was just invented and you don’t quite understand it yet?

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