A little restraint, please?

Just a little, that’s all I ask. I totally understand the socioeconomic structure, I totally understand the overarching motive, and I totally understand what’s at stake…but you really need to cool it off just a bit. This is not a boxing match for the WBC title; you don’t have to keep the pressure on to keep us from recuperating for a comeback. We’re down. We’re pretty much defenseless.

I have, since childhood, liked a radio on while I sleep. It helps cover up the innocuous background noises that permeate this area. I’ve got one neighbor who is, apparently, trying to teach themselves “how to tune your truck in 970 easy steps, one per day” or…they’re doing an everlasting tribute to Rudolf Diesel. That makes it difficult to fall asleep without something to help blot the noise out and the radio serves well for this.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and when I turned on my radio before sleep, I was greeted by 11 Christmas songs in a row. Eleven. 11. This means that whilst some individuals haven’t completed their Tryptophan comas, the brunt of Christmas began with a bang.

I got it. I really do. But…can we have one freakin’ day of non-holiday focus? Just one is all I ask. For one day during the “season”, just one day where everybody takes their holiday spirit, wraps it neatly with pretty paper, and **crams it** for 24 hours. Then, feel free to bingle jells and Kerry Mistress until your heart is all aglow, but give me one damn day where some holiday is not being shoved down my throat. One day when there’s not some consumer driven drivel being forced on me like a “special cigarette” at a party.

“If you don’t celebrate and enjoy Christmas, you’re just a scrooge!”

Yes! YES! Finally, someone understands me! In a world of unenlightened oafs, a glimmering star in human form has decoded me! Considering that I’m not a big fan of eating my weight in food I can’t really afford, and I’m not positioned to spend thousands on gifts…the holiday season sucks.

October leans toward Halloween. While the kids are still on a sugar high, we start hearing about turkey day. Before we’ve even digested the feast spread we’re already leaning toward another feast in less than a month, and another a week after that.

And let’s talk about that. Dang near everybody I know grumbles about “holiday weight” and how “It’s so hard to lose weight in the wintertime”…I’m no genius but I can do basic math. If you’ve got one holiday where candy is the main consumable and is consumed in bulk quantity, then less than a month later you serve a turkey dinner with all the trimmin’s, then less than a month later you serve a comparable spread, and then less than a week later you put out another spread… One could wonder if your difficulty comes from consuming a considerably higher volume of calories, and that’s not really winter’s fault.

According to my research, the average Thanksgiving spread will put 3,000 calories into a typical eater. If they go for dessert, drinks, and appetizers, the number jumps to 4,500 calories. In one meal. For one person. At one time. Not counting leftovers. Typical recommended daily intake is 2,000 for ladies, 2,500 for men. So, this raises the question if the “holiday spread” might have something to do with consuming a full day’s (almost two) worth of food in one sitting, followed by some leftovers a few hours later.

And, at least here in the south, a Christmas spread will often exceed the Thanksgiving meal because it’s a “bigger holiday”. New years isn’t quite so luxurious, but you’re still eating more than normally. So, excluding Halloween entirely, you’re still consuming a LOT more food than normally in the span of 6 weeks. While it varies person-to-person, I’ve heard the standard for a typical and relatively fit individual is that you’d basically need to run a 12-minute-mile pace for a mile to burn 100 calories. I suspect that you’d burn more as you ran, but with a 4,500 load to burn I suspect a marathon might be in order. Just to counter Thanksgiving. And another to counter Christmas. And a half-marathon for New Years. Might toss in a half-marathon for Halloween too.

In the end it only really serves to make people spend money. Buying more food than they need, buying more consumer products to give to others who don’t need them. The average family will spend almost $700 on gifts, and I know many who would see that $700 as a pretty good start, albeit slightly underachieving in preparation for really “spreading the holiday spirit”. Some of that, alas, will be spent on CDs of Christmas songs.

The thing is, when a celebrity dies, if another celeb makes fun of them it’s often met by boos of “too soon”. When Bill Maher dressed up as Steve Irwin with a stingray handing off his chest shortly after Irwin died from a stingray strike to the chest, Maher got nuclear level heat for it. It was too much, too soon. Gilbert Gottfried got canned from being spokesman and voice artist for several companies because he made tasteless jokes about the Tuhoku earthquake while the crisis was still under way…Too much, too soon. Both might have had slightly better responses to their “humor” if they’d given the world time to recover from the “event” and could seen it in a different light. Admittedly, both were tasteless as hell, but lots of humor is tasteless…that’s what makes certain types of humor funny.

Christmas…too soon. Too much, too soon. I need a break. Actually, I need a valium the size of a hubcap, but a break would be a nice stall tactic in lieu of a valium the size of a dinner plate. The next 30 days will be long. I fear that by the time I’ve heard “Grandmaw got runned over by a reindeer” for the fiftieth time, I’ll go to Walmart and one of the bell ringers will dare to clang at me…a critical error at a crucial time. Poor guy’ll spend the rest of his life trying to get a typical 6-inch handbell dislodged from the upper third of his sigmoid colon. Fear not, it won’t impede any ordinary functions; the collection tub shoved down his throat will make eating impossible anyway.

Seriously though, those bells…they don’t need to be like a red-hot nail jammed in your ear to draw attention. You’re the only dude in a Santa suit standing by the front door of walmart with a big ass sign that says “Donate to ____”. Um…we know. We’re aware. You want and need donations, we get it. It’s not like you’re wearing a ghillie suit in a jungle. You don’t blend in. Piercing my eardrums with your bell, it really only serves to make me less likely to want to get close to you to put a buck in the tub.

Really, it’s like that person who is all cheerful and “Isn’t it a beautiful morning?” when you’re hung over and can’t even stand to open both eyes at the same time because the dwarf in your head picks up his hammer and loses his temper when you do. Just…holster it. Put it away. Check back later. Try to be half-chipper in two hours and judge the response. If you don’t find a typical smart phone being flung tomahawk-style at your head..well, there’s been some improvement but don’t push your luck. Try back in two more hours. Bring coffee and ibuprofen as a peace offering.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to A little restraint, please?

  1. Jim/Dewtey says:

    This time of year you might want to switch to a CD player or MP3 player set to loop. Just sayin’. 🙂


  2. SJQ says:

    Earplugs. Gotta have earplugs…….

    But where the hell do you get Valium the size of a hubcap? 😉


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s